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my heart died on 2/16/06. i only feel pain and i lost my best friend. she was always there for me in times like this. i don't know how i'm going to get through this without her. She was my strength, I have credited her with my life for many many years.

My sweet Cilla is gone. we went to the vet this morning, they give her and Buddy a clean bill of health. they suggested a bloodwork panel twice a year for older kitties and i said ok. but she was scared. i shouldn't have let them take her. i should've done so many things different today. i heard her scream. Buddy heard it too, I should have run back there. Why were they doing a blood draw out of the room? I always helped her through these appointments by looking into her beautiful eyes and letting her bury her head in my shirt or blanket. Why did I let them take her? She died in terror. She was literally scared to death. I should have done something, i wish i would have done something, just some way for her to have a peaceful death, and better yet that she didn't have to leave me.

i guess her breathing got bad and she went into cardiac arrest. they gave her oxygen and cpr. what was supposed to be a routine checkup turned into a nightmare that I wish i would awaken from. i had our afternoon planned to be relaxing and snuggly. my princess is gone. this is the worst day of my life.

i'm so hollow inside. no one would leave me alone the first week, my meds were locked up and I agreed to have someone here with me 24/7 so I wouldn't have to go to the hospital. I didn't want to go there, all it would do is postpone coming to a home that doesn't feel like home anymore. I miss my best friend. my love, my princess.

It's just me, I've lived alone for 9 years now with Cilla and her brother Buddy. We're a team. Now the whole world is different.